Introspection

The other day Pete happened upon an advertisement for an evening with Phillip Yancey, and I forced everyone to go. Nothing he said was particularly interesting to me, except that his next book, due in September, will be about prayer, and if it really does anything. (I think the title is something like "Prayer: Does it Really Do Anything?") That's kind of exciting for me because I've been thinking about prayer a fair bit recently. I suppose I've been having a bit of a crisis of faith. (This happens to me every so often.) I'm trying to decide whether I really believe in Christianity or if I just say I do because things are easier that way. It's been about nine months since I decided that what one believes is more or less irrelevant, and all that really matters is how one lives. (Hence I claim to be a Christian not because of anything I think or feel, but because I try to follow Jesus in loving people and be selfless. Real Live Preacher argues for this kind of Christianity.) But now I’m wondering if Christianity is more than just a title you can give yourself. Besides being raised in a Christian home and associating with Christians, in what way am I like Christians? I don't read my Bible or pray regularly, in fact I don't even like or understand the Bible and prayer a lot of the time. I've never felt close to God. I don't see God at work in the world or in human lives. I'm drawn somewhat to the life and message of Jesus, but is that alone enough for me to call myself a Christian? I'm not sure what I think about his divinity, his resurrection, miraculous power, etc. (nor do I particularly care), and I know I don’t believe that one must accept these things to escape eternal damnation. I enjoy the perks of calling myself a Christian (community and the opportunity for service) but maybe it’s dishonest.

Not sure what all of this has to do with South Africa. I guess I came here partially because I want to see God at work powerfully and openly, and people tell me Africa is where he does that. Maybe I'm in the wrong part of Africa. Or maybe I'm eating too much steak and thinking too much about the Oilers. But I was at this Yancey thing and they were talking about a prison in South Africa where these people started a Christian ministry and the inmates were transformed and the murder rate plummeted and BBC sent a crew to report on it. I think when I heard that I realized I don’t believe this kind of thing is miraculous at all (good, certainly, and perhaps influenced by God, but not miraculous). This makes me sad.

I think Church is really built on shared experience. A bunch of people can work and worship and fellowship together because they have the same beliefs, and they have the same beliefs largely because they have the same experiences. I wonder if it’s really possible for someone like me who doesn't have those critical beliefs and experiences to be a full member of the club. No matter how much I like the Oilers, no matter how good I feel when I go to their games, no matter how much I want to be a part of the team, I will never be an Oiler, because I suck at hockey. Maybe there’s nothing to be done about that.